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| 005; |
[September 7th | 2009] |
[Filter: All personnel]
My deepest apologies for being MIA as of late. You see, after dealing with a hydra problem in the Aegean Sea, I discovered abruptly that I had some business to take care of at sea and was forced to redirect my boat ship.
Trifling little matter, wouldn't want to bore you all with it, but I will inform you that when you happen to appear upon their shores the natives of Lagousa are very accomodating. This is, of course, until they attempt to put you in a stew, served alongside glistening slices of toucan meat. They weren't able to keep me there for very long, however, as I made my escape as soon as they ventured off to collect other ingredients for their meal that was not to be!
While their stomachs may grumble in the night because of my highly uncooperative nature, they will at least remember that they had almost eaten Captain Jack Sparrow. Here's to the cuttlefish, the pebbles and assorted pinnipeds for agreeing to transport me to safety after I came up with enough human hair to restrain them all.
Certainly you all haven't forgotten me in the meantime!
[/Filter]
[Filter: Private]
Thought I saw the Pearl while on duty and was sorely disappointed. Bloody tossers and their lousy knock-off sails.
I think a drink is in order.
[/Filter]
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| 004; |
[June 4th | 2009] |
[Filter: All personnel]
What do you all know about preserving dismembered heads?
[/Filter]
[Filter: Ed Tivrusky]
Left the sword on your desk. Afraid there's a copious amount of slimy residue that I neglected to clean off prior to returning it to its rightful owner, but don't worry, love, a bit of Windex, a couple dozen bars of soap and some vinegar should make it as good as new. Cheers!
[/Filter]
I brought back some authentic zuccotto from Florence, some of which I've been so kind as to leave in the Mess hall for you all. No need to thank me, just send your gratitude to me in the form of rum and we'll call it even.
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| 003; |
[May 26th | 2009] |
[Filter: Technology and Weapons]
Would any of you fine upstanding workerbees know of any trinkets I could use in order to fight off sea monsters? Specifically of the man-eating, whirlpool-making variety? I forsee myself requiring blunt trauma weapons in particular.
[/Filter]
[Filter: All personnel]
Scylla and Charybdis have been putting Italian sailors in quite a bit of peril in the Strait of Messina, it seems, so I will be leaving you all within the next couple of days to take care of them. Try not to miss me too much, now!
[/Filter]
[Filter: Private]
Here's hoping this re-evaluating re-assessing rubbish will be conducted by beautiful salty wenches so that I will not have to navigate my way down to the shore to find them myself after it's finished.
[/Filter]
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| 002; |
[May 3rd | 2009] |
[Filter: All personnel]
In the midst of all of your our flailing around as of late, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to offer you all an opportunity to relax. Sit down, put your feet up, have a keg, etcetera. It is, after all, one of those things that normal human physical and metaphorical beings, such as you and I, I and you, require from time to time.
My point -- which I was getting to -- my POINT is that I am, as of yesterday, a year older, and in order to celebrate this, I am offering an open invitation to anyone and everyone who would like to do some belated birthday drinking with me. I accept gifts, but only in cash or rum form. You must bring your own hats, I'm afraid.
Who's interested?
[/Filter]
[Filter: Private]
Dorian Grey, then.
Interesting.
[/Filter]
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| 001; |
[April 18th | 2009] |
[Filter: All personnel]
Clearly I can't leave you all alone for more than two minutes. I disappear to take care of a trifling little something in the Bermuda Triangle, come back, and everything promptly packs itself into a hell-destined handbasket!
A sad thing indeed, beloved Layla's death, and it is my strongest hope that young not again Jerry? Joey? Jamie will bounce back from this tragedy soon and change his name to something that isn't so bloody hard to remember.
Oh! Before I forget, I have an important announcement to make: if any of you reading happen to be one of the badly dispositioned individuals who have been pointing fingers at me in regards to the pilferings and general sneaky ninja activity that had led up to all of this madness, I'll have you know that I am deeply offended by such accusations and that it is impossible for me to have done any of that while I was busily tangling with ghastly oversized creatures of the sea and re-animated captains of yore. Let me assure you all that death has not hampered Blackbeard's stamina. His eyesight, however, is something to be dubious about, as he seemed to have mistaken me for his dear friend Robert Maynard. Our noses must curve in the same way, although I would prefer to believe that mine is quite a bit more aesthetically pleasing ...
Anyway! Now that I have said what I needed to say, it is time for me to leave you. There is investigating to be done no thanks to Westley, and no time to waste because being marooned once is quite enough, thanks. As you were, ladies and gents.
[/Filter]
[Filter: Private]
Perhaps one of my shady, grizzled friends down by the shore will lend tidbits of knowledge to me. Either way, I'm due for a trip down to the pawn shop. Ol' Blackbeard didn't quite keep a sword, and it does look as if it's worth quite the pretty penny ...
Besides, if he shows up on land frothing at the mouth, any action on my part would be unnecessary because I wouldn't be the one with his trinket on display. Everybody wins.
[/Filter]
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